It has been reported that President Barack Obama has rewritten the United States Bill of Rights. “I would first like to pay homage to James Madison, Thomas Jefferson, and all of its original supporters. Without these basic civil liberties, our society might not exist the way it does today. But, as I said during my inaugural speech, I am about change.”
The original Bill of Rights and The Obamaments:
First Amendment: Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.
First Obamament: This country is mostly a Christian nation, but will not shove it in everyone’s faces anymore. There will be no more swearing on the Bible in court, and “In God We Trust” will be taken off of all US currency. This country will make a more conscious effort to acknowledge followers of all religions, and those who are Atheists as well. Everyone can say what they want, as long as they think before they speak. TMZ, National Enquirer, The Sun, et cetera, will not be recognized as members of the press, but as douchebags from now on. Rallies will no longer be allowed, because we all know they’re just an excuse for people to miss work, or cause a scene.
Second Amendment: A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.
Second Obamament: If you qualify for a permit/license, you can carry a gun. Only after you prove that you don’t have the aim of Shaquille O’Neal at the free-throw line.
Third Amendment: No soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.
Third Obamament: It’s bad enough that some of you live with people that don’t pay rent/mortgage, bills, cook, clean, or even practice good hygiene. I assure you, that even in time of war, you won’t have to worry about a soldier firing a M-16 from your bathroom window, or having to take hand grenades out of a soldier’s dirty laundry. Your homes are your homes.
Fourth Amendment: The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.
Fourth Obamament: This amendment will basically remain the same. However, I plan to crack down on Chicago police officers with vivid imaginations.
Fifth Amendment: No person shall be held to answer for any capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a grand jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the militia, when in actual service in time of war or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offence to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.
Fifth Obamament: There will be an IQ test given to all members of a grand jury, and new measures are being put into place to ensure that members don’t exhibit any prejudices or discriminatory behavior. The same will go for military proceedings. For those with an extensive criminal record, you could find yourself subject to being tried twice if you aren’t convicted the first time. No whining. No longer will you be allowed to “plead the fifth”, and anybody who withholds information from law enforcement will be promptly charged with obstruction of justice and hit punched in the face by Manny Pacquiao. Your house and personal property cannot be taken from you unless you are/were a supporter of John McCain. And Gucci Mane.
Sixth Amendment: In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the state and district where in the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the assistance of counsel for his defense.
Sixth Obamament: You will still be entitled to a trial in a reasonable amount of time. If you commit a crime that warrants you a spot on “World’s Dumbest Criminals”, your sentence will be much harsher. Trials will still be public, but shows like Sportscenter and Entertainment Tonight will be prohibited from reporting about them. Only unemployed people will serve jury duty.
Seventh Amendment: In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise re-examined in any court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.
Seventh Obamament: Juries will still be allowed in civil cases. All judge shows, except Judge Judy, will be taken off the air immediately. Judge Joe Brown will be imprisoned for loquaciousness and incessant rambling.
Eighth Amendment: Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.
Eighth Obamament: Excessive bail and fines, nor cruel and unusual punishments will not be levied against you. Unless you are an arrogant, pompous, undeserving celebrity. Also, anyone that wears a “Free (insert celebrity name here)” tee shirt or urges others to pray for an imprisoned or embattled celebrity will be exiled from their communities and placed on a deserted island with other morons.
Ninth Amendment: The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.
Ninth Obamament: I hope that the majority of you are intelligent enough to know that you have more rights than those listed in the Constitution. If not, become a member of the Tea Party Movement.
Tenth Amendment: The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the states, are reserved to the states respectively, or to the people.
Tenth Obamament: If the Constitution doesn’t give a certain power to Congress, I trust that the states and the people will responsibly enforce certain laws, limits, rules, and regulations. If Sarah Palin holds political office, that state shall have its ability to govern its people taken away.